“she is so cute…look at her pouting because she wants the toy. come on…give it to her” and that is how it begins. Babies and small children are undeniably cute. They are also so sweet and innocent that we cannot help ourselves in giving in. Besides which, there are plenty of years ahead to say no….right?
Flash ahead about five years….Your six year old sees a toy she wants. You are in a hurry and you just want to get through your errands. You pass the toy and say no, but she knows that if she screams long enough and flails herself around in the shopping cart or on the floor, the toy is hers. She is right, because you are in a hurry and do not have time to deal with the temper tantrum. Besides which, she is a good girl and deserves it.
Push ahead another five years., Your sweet little girl is starting to go through puberty and you do not recognize her. She is secretive and moody and responses from her in a conversation consists of yes, no and rolling eyes. She has her moments when she wants to cuddle or talk, but coincidentally these happen most often around Christmas or when parties are coming up. Those beautiful moments, when you see your little girl again, last as long as it takes to get something, unless a temper tantrum is called for…like in the store back when she was 6 and it will easier to give in, again.
Dare we flash ahead to 5 more years down the road? Sixteen, a wonderful magical age of life explored, greater independence, impending womanhood and new bonds with Mom and maybe even Dad. She is a delight to have around. She values your opinion and confesses everything to you…right? WAKE UP….LOL it was a dream. Ahhhh Let’s see. She must have the latest shoes, purses and other vital clothing items. You collected posters and albums as a teenager. She collects shoes and mani pedi appointments, If you suggest she get a job to pay for those things, she may or may not comply. Complying often will mean a few shifts a week, at minimum wage, needing a ride….or better yet, at her suggestion, you buy her a car now that she is 16 anyway. Her paycheck buys her more shoes, more clothes and more meals out with friends. You are happy because she is “independent” now. You continue to pay her cell phone bill, her school related costs and her other miscellaneous items. She needs a new laptop and the most up to date smart phone, She needs a dress for the prom that costs the same as the dress you wore at your wedding. She needs her own flat screen tv and of course her own car. You work harder, you work longer hours and you put more and more on credit, getting deeper and deeper in debt. All of this, whether you recognize it or not, because you wanted to stave off temper tantrums from a one year old.
So what do you do about it without seeming like a grinch? The key is to start early. I was a single parent with three children and I did not have a car at the time. This meant that going to the store or the mall was a major endeavour. I was not going to start the process, just to leave without completing the tasks on the list. I also could not handle kids with temper tantrums and several bags of groceries and get to the bus. Buses were not as accommodating back then either..no seats designated for young children or pregnant women. I cannot tell you the number of times I had to stand when pregnant or with a young baby in my arms while juggling the groceries and hands of the other children. I tell you this so that you KNOW that i have been in very stressful situations in the store or mall. What I did not do was give in. I couldn’t afford to, even if I wanted to.
Talk to your children, even when they are babies. Speak in full sentences with proper language. EXplain that today you are going to buy groceries or clothes or housewares or whatever. Explain that when you get home, you are going to prepare yummy meals and that there is only enough money for that. That if the child is well behaved, he or she will get a treat such as a cookie or ice cream or something else equally enticing. Keep saying thank you to the child or children for being so good. Let them know that you are acknowledging it and appreciating it. Let them help you with the groceries if they are big enough such as taking something off of the shelf or choosing a cereal. Make them participants in the shopping process. Keep the trip to the store as short as possible and do not do it at meal time or nap time. Plan it well and it will save you time, energy and frustration. As they get older, let them help you plan the meals and let them help prepare the meals. Show them the lovely colours of the fruits and vegetables and find out where they are grown. This will help to gain interest in healthy foods, including vegetables, but start this early too.. Every so often, make sure that you leave enough time to browse the toys. Set a very reasonable price limit but allow them to buy a toy or colouring book or other treat. When children understand that there are rewards and appreciation for good behaviour, they are far more likely to comply. Even the best child will have bad days. Do not allow that day to ruin all of your efforts. When it is a bad day, try to leave the child with a babysitter or the other parent or wait until another day if possible. If there are no options, let the child know that you know it is not a good day but you need to buy a few things and will make it as fast as possible. Keep it truly as short a time as possible. Keep talking to your child as calmly as possible but do not give in. Remind them that you know it is not a good day but you appreciate their patience. Do this even as you are biting your tongue or clenching your fists. It is not easy but teaches your child two key lessons in life. One is to keep calm even when angry. Two is that they cannot have everything that they want when they want it. Your child will learn to communicate with words and to appreciate rewards when they happen.
Do not get stuck in a trap. While I refer to an imaginary daughter in this blog, it equally applies to sons, except they roll their eyes at you even better than daughters do. Giving your child more than what you had has to be for a reason. More educational opportunities…YES. More variety of food and experiences which makes their world grow….YES. More stuff? No…they do not need it. They need to earn STUFF so that they know the value behind it. I had my first professional manicure and pedicure two months shy of my 53 rd birthday. I took care of myself before that and since then. It was a treat which a friend gave me and I appreciated it beyond words. Your time and your energy are best invested when spent with your child. Money to spare? Set up an educational fund. If you already have one, then good. Take that money and put it into YOUR retirement funds. Children need toys as part of the learning curve. They need to have fun surprises for no reason whatsoever than simply because they are your children and you love them. Just do not over indulge or think that you need to work more to buy those things. If you cannot do it working your regular time, then fore go them. Do something wonderful with the time instead, such as going to the park, going to a museum or baking cookies from scratch together.
Loving our children is our privilege, our obligation and our blessing. Ensuring their needs are well taken care of is our legal and moral obligation. Needs are food, shelter, clothing, healthcare, education and safety. Cuddling and reading a book means far more and will remain in their memories much longer than the latest gadget. Enjoy their childhood. It goes quickly and those moments cannot be retrieved once gone. Teach them patience and love but also teach them that the real world is not going to fulfill all of their expectations. That is a gift to them too.
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