Being the best you…a new series on taking steps in self improvement

As a Life Coach and a Financial Coach / Financial Advisor, I have seen many people who are stuck…in a job, a relationship or another situation, which they want to change but just do not know how to take those first steps.  My role is to help people find out what those first steps are but also to carve a bigger path which will, not only lead them out of the hole they feel they are in, but also will get them from where they are to where they want to be.  No matter what the choices are, no matter whether it is work, personal or other, the first steps are the same.

STEP ONE:  DECIDE

Yes, it is that simple.  Decide that you want change.  That does not mean think about it, argue with yourself or find every reason not to do it.  That is all before DECIDING.  “YES.  I want change.  I am ready for change.  I will do what it takes to bring about change.  Change can be scarey but staying where I am is scarier.  I want change NOW.”

STEP TWO: IDENTIFY

You must clearly now identify and define what it is you want to change.  Do you love where you work but hate the job you have?  Do you love the job you have but hate where you work?  Are you in a relationship that is leading nowhere and you prefer to be alone than with that person?  Do you love him / her but have lost that passion for each other?  Have you always played life safely and now you are ready for adventure and excitement?  Do you love something that you have not allowed yourself to indulge in such as travel, collecting something or maybe it is a new body / lifestyle which would help you find that hott sexy body you know is hiding inside you, somewhere?  Whatever it is, you need to identify it and define it.

STEP THREE: FACING REALITIES

Okay, so now you know precisely what it is you do not want or do want.  It may be awhile until you figure out what you do want exactly because there are so many options available.   Planning is not an easy step as there are many realities you need to deal with, realities which likely include money, emotions, suitability, legalities, responsibilities.  These would particularly be important to those leaving a relationship or leaving a career for a completely new one.  Nothing is impossible and almost everything is possible.  Personal circumstances will play a huge part in the planning.  Being a parent of young children, mortgage and car payments or even where you live will need to be factored in.  Sometimes you may need to put your plans on hold for awhile, perhaps even a few years. that does not mean you cannot be planning ahead and preparing for it, but it may not be able to be enacted yet.  If you are a parent, your needs are not primary.  A change of careers or a decision to leave your spouse / family will have a tremendous impact on people who have not been given the option to keep things as they are. Let me say this once again.  If your decision will have a life altering affect on others for the negative,you may need to modify your plans or seek out other ways to manage them until the impact is significantly lessened and coping mechanisms are in place.

STEP FOUR: PLAN

The single most common reason for not changing anything (other than the above mentioned reality of impact on others), is money.  Whether you want to go back to school so as to have the background to start a new career, or you will need enough income to pay a mortgage or rent on a new home for you alone or perhaps it is traveling the world, you will need money.  Most people in North America, live pay check to pay check.  We have not got money saved for emergencies, for being out of work or for major upheavals in your life.  We mindlessly use our credit cards as if they do not need to be paid back, we buy a $5.00 coffee out of habit without asking ourselves if it is really so much better than that $1.50 cup of coffee and we go out for a $25.00 dinner (often x2 as we do not like to dine alone) after a long day because we deserve it….right?  How much do you want the BIG change and how ready are you to make the little changes in order to prepare for the big one?  If you do truly want the big change, then do some quick math here…. $5.00 x twice a day x 5 days a week = $50.00, $200.00 / month, $2400.00 / year.  Dinner out once a week….  $ 50.00 x 4 weeks = $200.00 / month, $2400.00 / year.  Add to that eating lunch out versus brown bagging it, say twice a week = $10.00 x 2 x 4 weeks = $80.00/month = $960.00 / year.  Total from three small changes? $5760.00 / year. Spend that on a credit card (or the equivalent) and you will incur a further $1150.00 approximately in interest charges. These are rough numbers of course, You know your life style, but be honest about it.  Buy a small coffee maker for work and make your own.  you won’t have to go out in the cold to get it.  The little things really do add up.  sit down with a financial advisor to discuss your finances and figure out how much you need and how you can find it.  A good advisor will possibly be able to help you find tax savings and other alternatives to put more dollars into your future.  Part of this, of course, is finding out, as precisely as possibly, what your change will cost.  Education can be anywhere on the scale from relatively inexpensive to costing two arms and a leg.  Travel can also vary greatly but there are ways to mitigate those costs.  Hobbies such as collecting coins, stamps, antiques etc, can be very expensive but are possible.

STEP FIVE: ACTION

At some point, you will need to being to put into place your plan.  It will need to be carefully laid out and skipping steps may lead to backwards sliding at some point.  In the coming weeks, I will discuss specific steps and opportunities for each major area of your life you may want to change.  I will discuss changing relationships, work places, careers, and lifestyle and attitudes.  This post is made to get you thinking about what YOU want to change in your life.  Comment below and if you have specific questions, feel free to get in touch.

andrea@unleashtheknow.com

andrea.blaustein@f55f.com

Angels and Spirits…

This is not being written necessarily for the believer or the non believer.  It is written for those who are curious, who are unsure and who want to believe.  It is not written to convince anyone of anything, but is merely my personal experience which I am choosing to share.  This is the foundation of my personal belief system, It is not religious per say but is rooted in the ultimate belief that there is something…an unknown “being” in existence.  I do not care what you call that being…it is irrelevant in the context of this blog.

“What this power is, I cannot say.All I know is that it exists” – Alexander Graham Bell

The manifestation of this power, for me, is in the power of the angels and spirits I feel around me.  Let me begin with a couple of stories.  They are true and told to you here, honestly and fully, although perhaps briefly.

When i was about three years old, I began nursery school.  This was back in the early 1960s so seatbelts and other safety norms of today, were very optional.  The school bus was a red station wagon, the driver was “Uncle” Jack.  Kids were piled into the “bus”.  I was painfully shy and did not want to get into this crowded strange vehicle.  I cried.  The next pickup was Wendy.  She too was in tears.  We clung to each other, instant best friends, brought together by tears.  It was hard to separate us after that.  skip ahead to the last day of school,June 1970.  Wendy and i always walked home from our local elementary school via my house.  She was going on a family vacation and was so excited.  She hugged me and said she would call as soon as she got back.  Wendy, her mom and one of her sisters died in a plane crash on July 5, 1970.  Her father and other sister were travelling separately, so although everyone on the plane died, her dad and oldest sister Lynda survived.  (I strongly recommend that you read Lynda’s book, Repairing Rainbows as it talks about surviving and living after tragedy).  I was 9 and Wendy was 8 years old…it was just prior to her 9th birthday.  My child’s mind could not fathom the devastation so as I grew up, Wendy came to me in my dreams.  We chatted and hung out.  As I grew older, so did Wendy, but always looking the same as when i saw her last, just older.  She guided me through troubling times and was with me always.  Now some may say she was only in my mind, but she was in my heart, my mind and my thought processes.  She was tangible.  I could touch her and was hugged by her often.  When i cried, she was with me.  She was my spirit guide, my guardian angel and my friend.  I saw her and felt her and heard her.

When my dad died, three years ago, I felt the loss as any child does when a parent passes.  However my father had had Alzheimer’s for several years so I had actually felt the loss begin long before he passed.   I did not feel his presence and I did not wonder if he was with me.  My childhood had been difficult, not because of him, at least not wholly, but related to him.  I will come back to my dad in a minute.

A couple of months ago, a dear friend of mine spent a few weeks on life support, then he passed away. It was sudden and devastating to many people. While he was on life support, he came to visit me.  I did not want to acknowledge what that meant, but in my heart, I knew he was not coming back as a man I could call or hang out with.  He told me he was happy, he was fine and not to worry.  He held me as I cried.  He came back several times after passing and always told me not to worry, not to cry, then he would hold me and dance with me, slowly and lovingly.  The last time he came, that I could tangibly feel him, he told me not to question things that were coming for me.  I was not to wonder where they came from, how they happened or why.  “Just accept them” he said to me.  No questions.  Five things.

In the past month, I feel like my dad and my friend have come together for me.  Four things have happened for me that I want to question but I dare not.  They are good things that have changed my life around.  I do not feel the need to ask one question…I know where they come from.  For the first time in three years, I feel my father’s presence.  I feel that he and my friend are collaborating to support me, love me and guide me.  I can now talk to my dad and feel like he is with me when I call or cry for him.  I feel his fatherly embrace.  He has found a peace that he never had in life and is choosing to share it with me.  He found a friendship with my friend as two men who both love me and want me to be joyful.  they had a lot in common in life but never met.  They are collaborating and are my guardian angels.  Wendy’s sister is a mom and now a grandmother.  Her family needs her and she is with them.  She no longer visits me but is still in my heart.

Why have I shared these stories with you?  What message am I trying to convey?  I want everyone reading this to know that, whether we feel them or not, we have guardian angels, spirit guides, an immortal presence.  If you do not believe in them, they are still with you.  They do not have the power to bring as much change in your life as those changes start in your heart.  They are present though.  Angels and spirits are one of the ways our loved ones come back to us.  I also believe in re incarnation.  My experience with angels has made me ask why some come to us in that form and some are reborn in other bodies but the same spirits.  I believe that my daughter has my grandmother’s spirit, back to spend the time with me we did not have enough of when she was alive.  Perhaps that is why some are reborn and some are not.  Some spirits still have important things to do which requires a mortal body.  I believe that I have had at least two previous lives.  I am also of the belief that those fears which we have which seem insurmountable and very powerful, are the result of events in those past lives.

I am not trying to convince anyone of anything.  I do ask, however, that you give the energy inside you a minute to meditate.  Feel the presence of the energy around you and allow yourself to hold it in your heart and mind.  Angels and spirits are yours to receive and love.

I am a Master Certified Life Coach.  I do not claim to have any ability to communicate with those who have passed beyond those directly connected to me.  I can help you find your joy and your spirits that are within you.  Contact me at andrea@unleashtheknow.com

Tomorrow Will Arrive……Eventually. Be Ready.

Don’t do today what you can put off until tomorrow….That is the procrastinator’s creed.   Don’t put off to tomorrow what you can do today …….the creed of Strong Type A personalities. What about you and I…the average man or woman who is a Sometimes Type A, sometimes child, sometimes teenager?

No matter what, you KNOW that tomorrow is going to arrive, eventually.   Some things can be put off, but not avoided altogether.  Some things cannot be avoided or put off, no matter how much we try to not acknowlege them.  The harder we try, the harder they will hit us.  Taxes, health problems and our children becoming teenagers are the top three things we like to avoid but just cannot.  Those of us who are self employed, need to put aside money for our taxes.  it is hard…so very hard.  It is there, it would pay bills and maybe cover a much needed holiday away too.  So how do you not spend it?  It is calling your name.  But save it we must.  Or pay a much higher  price later on.

Health problems can often be eliminated when you go to the doctor early, when symptoms appear and for your annual check up.  As for teenagers, well the harder we fight our children’s independence, the harder the struggle will be.  We raise our children so that they will become adults, but so many parents want to skip that middle step….the years between 12 and 25.  Why 25 and not 18? I raised three children and at no time did a magical leprechaun come to my house on their birthdays and transform them literally overnight.  Age 18 has been deemed by bureaucracies as adulthood, but if I am the only one who never was visited by that leprechaun, I feel pretty hurt.   So I will assume I am not alone.  The teenage brain does not really develop good reason until it reaches age 25, and it truly only begins there.  That is not to say that some teens and young adults are not mature.  Some are far more responsible and mature than some twice their age.  These are the exception.  Some people NEVER grow up, never take responsibilities and accountability as a part of life. Some women will laugh now and start listing men who have not grown up, in their opinion.   To be fair, why do we expect anyone….man or woman…..to grow up if they are not taught how or if it is expected too young.  Yet that is what we want them to do….skip  that step of the process and wake up magically touched  on their eighteenth birthday……….and eliminating the 12 to 18, skipping right to the maturity of 25 years of age.

Back to the topic….if you will excuse my having gone off on a tangent.  Being ready for the tomorrow that will inevitably arrive.

I have already mentioned that you need to stay on top of your health issues.  A minor cyst today, when dealt with immediately, will always have been just a minor cyst.    Ignored, it may be a pre cancer or malignant growth.

Taxes are also something you need to stay on top of.  More than any single topic, it is likely that this will give you more heart palpitations than anything else.  Get to know a good accountant.  And find yourself a trustworthy and reliable financial planner.  Someone who can show you legitimate and accessible  tax shelters. Someone who understands tax implications for you and your family should something happen to you and who is equipped with the knowledge to ensure your secure future.  At this time of year, many programs are advertised which tout themselves as being your tax solution, as if one glove will fit all.  Leveraging, RRSPs, TFSAs, etc etc are on signs everywhere.  Are they all right for you?  Is life insurance an alternative to RRSPs (Canada) /  401K (USA) or the other way around?  Only when you talk to a qualified financial planner will you really know. Take  advantage of this time of year to start building a relationship with your financial planner. If you already have one, but are not sure he or she is doing all they can for you, talk to another one.  A meeting should not cost you anything except some time and it is time well spent, a solid investment in your tomorrow.  Be ready for tomorrow….and  be grateful that it arrives.  The alternative is deadly….

Contact me at myfuture@unleashtheknow.com for your financial future

STAYING POSITIVE

Times can be hard…..good careers and jobs becoming scarcer, single parenthood, divorce, cost of living rising and wages staying where they were five years ago.  With pressures increasing and relief systems harder and harder to access, how do you stay positive?

There is no pat answer for all.  Some principles can be applied in most situations but please remember that if you feel that depression is overwhelming and you have suicidal feelings at all, see your doctor, talk to a professional or confide in someone close to you at the very least.  Another important note for you to make to yourself, is that feeling down sometimes, is normal.  There is a tremendous difference between feeling down for a day or even two, and being clinically depressed.  I generally give myself a day to cry, be angry and feel down, when things are overwhelming me.  It is cathartic and gives me vision of what I really want, through the tears.

Wake up in the morning praying / thinking / knowing good things will happen.  Do not let one bad thing like stubbing your toe or spilling your coffee, set the pace for your day.  If you are late, perhaps it is so that you are not in accident or stuck in an elevator.  We do not know what we are saved from,  as we cannot know what has not happened.  You do not need to be religious to believe in SOMETHING…the universe, Law of Attraction, God or Karma.   Most of all, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!  Give yourself permission to dream, to be happy and to not let the opinions of others matter enough to break your happiness.

Even the worst times pass.  the moment is just that…the MOMENT.  I have been through some terrible times that I thought would never end.  I have questioned God, my own strength and my ability to survive what seemed to be everything going wrong at once.  I have asked why me?  I hate when people turn it around and ask why not me….I can list a thousand reasons why not me.   I do not have all of the answers but I can tell you these simple truths.

Tomorrow is another day.   Somebody, somewhere cares about you and would miss you if you were not there.  There are solutions to every problem.  They may take what seems like a long time and they may be scary, but they are there waiting for you.  There is something in this world that makes you smile so find it and keep it close.  It may be a piece of music, a picture, a pet or a distant memory.  Use your sadness, frustration, fear or anger to propel yourself forward.  Never let yourself stay in the moment.  Even though it does not fee like it at the time, you are not alone.  You are not the only person to have gone through the situation and chances are,   someone close to you in going through it at the same time you are.  Find resources, get creative and do not be shy.  We tend to want to keep our burdens to yourself but if no one knows, no one can help you.  most bad situations did not happen overnight and they will not disappear overnight.

A Life Coach can be your ear and help you find your motivation.  A program designed specifically for you, will teach you to find your joy, your energy and your future.  Write to me at andrea@unleashtheknow.com to start your get started now.  What is waiting for you on the other side of now?

What Can a Life Coach Do For Me??

Do you ever watch Dr. Phil and say to yourself “I could have figured that out”?  I think that most people do, at least most of the time.  What you cannot offer however, is the resources that he has at hand.  I am not always sure that what he offers is the best solution but it is at least a beginning.  The real problem is that, in order to get those resources from him, you need to go on his internationally seen show and put all of your business out there for the world to see.

Fighting between family members happens in every family.  It can lead to estrangement, divorce and deep resentment and regrets.  Causes can appear to be money, lack of communication, or disagreements between parents and children.

Why do I say that these causes can “appear to be”?  How many questions do you ask yourself before getting into a fight between you and your family member?  I am not referring to questions such as “how dare he” or “what is her problem” .  The solutions often lie in the questions that you should be asking.  It is so difficult to ask the right questions when in the heat of anger.  How do you know what the right questions are?

The role of a Life Coach is to help you find the right questions, how to ask them and when to ask them.  At times, it is also about who to ask the questions to.  Relationships always have their good times and their bad times.  Whether you can move past the bad times with the love that lies beneath the surface or not, may depend on these questions.  Estrangement between a parent and child, is the saddest of all.   No one wins in that situation.  There are certain specific skills which seem obvious but which are not often innate.  Your private family business should remain between you and the person who can guide you towards resolution.  A Life Coach will ensure privacy and confidentiality.  A Life Coach will show you how to find solutions.  A Life Coach will not hold your hand in a kumbya way but will show you how to move forward in a positive way.

If you have a relationship in your life that is going through rough times but which is too important to you to let go without trying, contact me at http://www.unleashtheknow.com  or write to me at  andrea@unleashtheknow.com  The solutions are within reach.  Invest in them now to save yourself the pain and cost of the alternatives.

Love of family and friends is the single most valuable thing we have in our lives.  I agree with Dr. Phil on one thing.  Awareness without action is worthless.  Act today….I look forward to hearing from you.

http://www.unleashtheknow.com     andrea@unleashtheknow.com

From your son,daughter, mother, father, brother, sister, cousin and friend

it is New Year’s Eve…December 31, 2013.  Whether you celebrate at a house party, club, restaurant or large event, please remember three important things.

Number three: Every day is a new day.  Looking backwards will only make you trip and fall.  Look forwards and keep your eye on the prize.  Life is an amazing and wonderful experience when you embrace it and have faith in it.  Grab every positive moment and event.  Experience all that it has to offer.  We all know how bad days, hard times and hurt feelings make us feel.  No one is immune to these experiences so do not let them control your life.  You are in charge, not those things.  Negative thoughts create negative events so keep your thoughts positive.

Number two: Do not let a day pass without telling those that you love, how you feel.  Life is crazy and chaotic.  Time passes without us realizing how fast, sometimes not until it is too late.  We are not guaranteed anything in life, especially not tomorrow.  We always assume that those we love will be there tomorrow, but we all run out of tomorrows eventually.  Pick up the phone, send an email or take the time and energy to write a handwritten letter.  No matter where in the world those loved ones are, let them know.  One of the worst feelings in the world is the feeling of regret for not saying it and getting that call to say it is too late.

Number one: This one I include on behalf of your son and daughter, your husband or wife, your mother and father, your cousin, neighbor and friend.  As you prepare to go out, leave your car at home.  Ensure that in your budget tonight, you have included money for a cab ride home.  If there are programs in your town or city which can get you and your car home safely, then use them.  Book a hotel room or take a bus.  There are so many options.  You may even opt to be a designated driver tonight.  For every one of you who make any of these safe choices, i send you my respect and my gratitude.  So do those who love you and who you love.  If every person makes the intelligent choice, New Year’s Eve will not become a nightmare for anyone.  Let it be new beginnings, not endings.  Be safe, have fun and make 2014 the year of mental and physical health.  Own your choices and make the smart ones.

For information on safe ways home tonight, in Ottawa check out http://www.ottawastart.com  Or call them if you are in another city to see if they have information on programs in your area.

If you think that you are always in control and this message is not for you, contact http://www.MADD.ca or http://www.MADD.org or http://www.tonyspromise.org   Read the stories.

I wish you a happy, safe and prosperous 2014.  UnLeash the KNOW will be bringing you exciting programs and information throughout the year so keep your eye on this page and pass it on.  Love you all.

New Year Resolutions

I hope that everyone enjoyed your Christmas holiday, are enjoying Kwanzaa or enjoyed Chanukah.  Whatever it is that you celebrate, we all have  a new year coming up in just days and with it, New Year Resolutions.  Either weight loss, regular gym attendance, more travel, more income, more joy or finding love are likely on your list.  On January 1, we are all motivated and enthusiastic and determined to succeed.  By February 1, most of these resolutions have been put on a shelf until later….whenever later may be.  Sometime during the year, perhaps on your birthday, perhaps  with a significant change in your circumstances, you think about it again.  So I ask you, what will you DO about it?  How will you make a plan to go back to those resolutions and make a change?  You need a plan.

Let’s begin with a change of vocabulary.  The pressure of New Year Resolutions can be overwhelming.  Do not aim to begin on January 1, 2014.  Begin the day you are reading this.  Everyday is the first day of the rest of your life.  It is a new beginning every time you wake up in the morning.  Prepare yourself to wake up tomorrow and begin with gratitude.  Tomorrow is day one of your Gratitude Plan.  This plan applies to men and women, young or old, fit or fat, wealthy or poor.  Your Gratitude Plan includes acknowledging all that is right and good in your life now, leaving all of “the stuff” from the past in the past and looking forward to the amazing things life is bringing you in the future.

We must all be aware that the most perfect life you see someone else living, is not perfect to them.  Every human being has stresses, worries, fears and pain, both physical and emotional, at times.  So keeping that in perspective,  jealousy and envy can be tossed out the window.  Even when you believe that you are, as a friend of mine says,  “so po that you cannot afford the second o or r” you have something to be grateful for.  A hot drink, sunshine, a hot shower or the clothes on your back.  This may sound very pie in the sky to you…I understand that.  Do yourself a favour though,  give it a try.  What do you have to lose after all?  Do it in the shower every morning.  As you feel the hot water hitting your body, close your eyes and feel the warmth and massaging effect of it.  Say thank you for it.  Having a coffee or tea when you get out?  Imagine it and say thank you again.  Do you have a nice thick towel to wrap yourself up in after the shower?  As you are still under the water, imagine the warmth and softness of the towel.  Does the soap smell good?  Be thankful as you absorb the positive things invading your senses.

By the end of day five, you will not have to search for things to be grateful for.  The list will keep you going after you have dried off and are getting dressed for your day.  Did you stub your toe or wake up late?  Do not let it take over your day.  Make your gratitude a ritual that nothing gets to take away.  You will see such a difference in how the rest of your day progresses that you will find yourself talking to others about it.  It will even negate any bad moments.  You will learn to recognize that they are indeed, only moments in time and are not a reflection of you, your day to come nor do they influence any other activities in your day.

What does this have to do with losing weight or finding love?  Set gratitudes for your body.  Add it to your routine.  When you are in your shower and feeling gratitude, visualize your body as you want it to be  Focus on it.  Feel it.  See it.  Okay….plan your food and exercise for the day with the picture of your new body in your mind.  With a little bit of discipline and focus, you will find yourself saying no to that extra serving of potatoes and saying yes to a walk around the block instead.  Getting into shape truly is a one day at a time and step by step process.  Be grateful for your body and your health.   See your healthy body and know that it is within you. This is a method which has simple to follow directions, easy to understand and puts virtually no stress on you.  You may even find yourself upping the ante sooner rather than later.  You will take a second look at biking in the good weather and getting out more and watching tv less.  Snacks will evolve into healthier choices.  What have you done?  You have created a gratitude frame of mind that leads to lifestyle changes.   The same applies to finding love.  How?

When you learn to recognize all of the good in your life, you will find yourself smiling more, glowing more and walking with more of a bounce in your step.  You will dress with more confidence too.  You will take that extra moment to add a little touch.   I personally make sure that I do not walk out the door in the morning with out earrings and perfume.  You will develop a more attractive and magnetic aura which will, in turn, attract more positive and more charismatic people around you.   Love will be attracted to you and you will be more open to seeing it when it is near you.

A Gratitude Plan is your new life, beginning on the new day.  It does not require  a new year and will not die over time.  It is simple, easy, user friendly and free.  Be grateful in anticipation of good things to come.  Feel those things now and acknowledge them now.   Too many people feel fear in anticipation of something bad potentially happening, even when the odds are they will not actually happen.  Practice anticipating good things instead and see the difference it makes.  Bad things might happen however they do not need to take over your life.  Leave the past where it belongs, under the lessons learned category.

For help with a Life Plan, taking your Gratitude Plan to the next level, contact andrea@unleashtheknow.com.  I will work with you to develop a program specific to you.  Life is to be lived.  Live your dreams, not your fears.

Teenagers….back when they were sooo cute….

“she is so cute…look at her pouting because she wants the toy.  come on…give it to her”  and that is how it begins.  Babies and small children are undeniably cute.  They are also so sweet and innocent that we cannot help ourselves in giving in.  Besides which, there are plenty of years ahead to say no….right?

Flash ahead about five years….Your six year old sees a toy she wants.  You are in a hurry and you just want to get through your errands.  You pass the toy and say no, but she knows that if she screams long enough and flails herself around in the shopping cart or on the floor, the toy is hers.  She is right, because you are in a hurry and do not have time to deal with the temper tantrum.  Besides which, she is a good girl and deserves it.

Push ahead another five years.,  Your sweet little girl is starting to go through puberty and you do not recognize her.  She is secretive and moody and responses from her in a conversation consists of yes, no and rolling eyes.  She has her moments when she wants to cuddle or talk, but coincidentally these happen most often around Christmas or when parties are coming up.  Those beautiful moments, when you see your little girl again, last as long as it takes to get something, unless a temper tantrum is called for…like in the store back when she was 6 and it will easier to give in, again.

Dare we flash ahead to 5 more years down the road?  Sixteen, a wonderful magical age of life explored, greater independence, impending womanhood and new bonds with Mom and maybe even Dad.  She is a delight to have around.  She values your opinion and confesses everything to you…right?  WAKE UP….LOL  it was a dream.  Ahhhh  Let’s see.  She must have the latest shoes, purses and other vital clothing items.  You collected posters and albums as a teenager.  She collects shoes and mani pedi appointments,  If you suggest she get a job to pay for those things, she may or may not comply.  Complying often will mean a few shifts a week, at minimum wage, needing a ride….or better yet, at her suggestion, you buy her a car now that she is 16 anyway.  Her paycheck buys her more shoes, more clothes and more meals out with friends.  You are happy because she is “independent” now. You continue to pay her cell phone bill, her school related costs and her other miscellaneous items.  She needs a new laptop and the most up to date smart phone,  She needs a dress for the prom that costs the same as the dress you wore at your wedding.  She needs her own flat screen tv and of course her own car.  You work harder, you work longer hours and you put more and more on credit, getting deeper and deeper in debt.  All of this, whether you recognize it or not, because you wanted to stave off temper tantrums from a one year old.

So what do you do about it without seeming like a grinch?  The key is to start early.  I was a single parent with three children and I did not have a car at the time.  This meant that going to the store or the mall was a major endeavour.  I was not going to start the process, just to leave without completing the tasks on the list.  I also could not handle kids with temper tantrums and several bags of groceries and get to the bus.  Buses were not as accommodating back then either..no seats designated for young children or pregnant women.  I cannot tell you the number of times I had to stand when pregnant or with a young baby in my arms while juggling the groceries and hands of the other children.  I tell you this so that you KNOW that i have been in very stressful situations in the store or mall.  What I did not do was give in.  I couldn’t afford to, even if I wanted to.

Talk to your children, even when they are babies.  Speak in full sentences with proper language.  EXplain that today you are going to buy groceries or clothes or housewares or whatever.  Explain that when you get home, you are going to prepare yummy meals and that there is only enough money for that.  That if the child is well behaved, he or she will get a treat such as a cookie or ice cream or something else equally enticing.  Keep saying thank you to the child or children for being so good.  Let them know that you are acknowledging it and appreciating it.  Let them help you with the groceries if they are big enough such as taking something off of the shelf or choosing a cereal.  Make them participants in the shopping process.  Keep the trip to the store as short as possible and do not do it at meal time or nap time.  Plan it well and it will save you time, energy and frustration.  As they get older, let them help you plan the meals and let them help prepare the meals.  Show them the lovely colours of the fruits and vegetables and find out where they are grown.  This will help to gain interest in healthy foods, including vegetables, but start this early too..  Every so often, make sure that you leave enough time to browse the toys.  Set a very reasonable price limit but allow them to buy a toy or colouring book or other treat.  When children understand that there are rewards and appreciation for good behaviour, they are far more likely to comply.  Even the best child will have bad days.  Do not allow that day to ruin all of your efforts.  When it is a bad day, try to leave the child with a babysitter or the other parent or wait until another day if possible.  If there are no options, let the child know that you know it is not a good day but you need to buy a few things and will make it as fast as possible.  Keep it truly as short a time as possible.  Keep talking to your child as calmly as possible but do not give in.  Remind them that you know it is not a good day but you appreciate their patience.  Do this even as you are biting your tongue or clenching your fists.  It is not easy but teaches your child two key lessons in life.  One is to keep calm even when angry.  Two is that they cannot have everything that they want when they want it.  Your child will learn to communicate with words and to appreciate rewards when they happen.

Do not get stuck in a trap.  While I refer to an imaginary daughter in this blog, it equally applies to sons, except they roll their eyes at you even better than daughters do.  Giving your child more than what you had has to be for a reason.  More educational opportunities…YES.  More variety of food and experiences which makes their world grow….YES.  More stuff?  No…they do not need it.  They need to earn STUFF so that they know the value behind it.  I had my first professional manicure and pedicure two months shy of my 53 rd birthday.  I took care of myself before that and since then.  It was a treat which a friend gave me and I appreciated it beyond words.  Your time and your energy are best invested when spent with your child.  Money to spare?  Set up an educational fund.  If you already have one, then good.  Take that money and put it into YOUR retirement funds.  Children need toys as part of the learning curve.  They need to have fun surprises for no reason whatsoever than simply because they are your children and you love them.   Just do not over indulge or think that you need to work more to buy those things.  If you cannot do it working your regular time, then fore go them.  Do something wonderful with the time instead, such as going to the park, going to a museum or baking cookies from scratch together.

Loving our children is our privilege, our obligation and our blessing.  Ensuring their needs are well taken care of is our legal and moral obligation.  Needs are food, shelter, clothing, healthcare, education and safety.  Cuddling and reading a book means far more and will remain in their memories much longer than the latest gadget.  Enjoy their childhood.  It goes quickly and those moments cannot be retrieved  once gone.  Teach them patience and love but also teach them that the real world is not going to fulfill all of their expectations.  That is a gift to them too.

For a program designed specifically to your family and your needs, contact UnLeash the KNOW.   http://www.unleashtheknow.com

Raising Teens…fun times ahead

As a single parent of two boys and a girl, I was faced with endless challenges surrounding their teenage years.  Sibling rivalry, schedules, supervision and chores top the list but are, by no means, the end of the list.  Sound familiar?

The foundation for those years is strongest when established from early childhood.  Those little things that are so cute when a two year old is involved are not usually so cute when said by a 14 year old.  Behaviors of a three year old are not the behaviors we want from our 16 year old.  Nobody wants to believe that their adorable toddler will ever turn into THAT kind of teenager, yet some of them do.  Why?  How?

Being a free spirit and extremely laid back parent is wonderful for your toddler.  Providing your child with all of the advantages life has to offer, including the “stuff”, is awesome for any age that your child is.   Take the attitude and the stuff and fast forward to age 16.  Your child now thinks that respect is “old fashioned” and is given to his or her heroes…the anarchists and other rebels that also think respect is old fashioned.  Parents also need to be aware that “stuff” only becomes more and more expensive and must be provided in greater and greater quantities.  Habits are formed early on in life, as are expectations.   So when you are teaching your sweet toddler, picture for a moment the same scenario with your teenager.

We hate the selfishness of many of today’s teenagers and the illusion of entitlement that so many seem to wear like a badge of honor.  We want to be respected as parents and we want peace of mind when they are unsupervised.  We dread one of those phone calls from the school principal or the police.  We do not want to have to work a second job or extra hours just to buy more stuff that will keep your teen from a temper tantrum or major blow out.

What are the answers, when all we really want to be is great parents providing our children with the things we may or may not have had?  How do we strike that balance?  In an upcoming series of blogs we will look at these questions and explore some solutions.  In the meantime, if you are having dealing with a pre teen or a teenager and you are ready for help, contact UnLeash the KNOW to start a program for your family.

info@unleashtheknow.com

Time……….

Whether you work outside the home, work from home, are a student, are a stay at home parent or retired, our time is one of our greatest assets and investments.  What we do with it, how we “spend” it and how we prioritize it, will determine many of our successes and stresses.  Having worked shifts, I know that those circumstances can change our energy and our ability to manage our time.   Working outside of the home during typical work hours of Monday to Friday, 8 day time hours, means that you typically spend 50 to 60 hours a week dedicated to work, including transportation time.  One week consists of 168 hours or 10, 080 minutes.  It sounds like so much and yet, it doesn’t seem like that much most of the time.  Admittedly, some days seem to last 168 hours and some days seem to last 24 minutes.   We feel like we are busy every moment.  Many of us do not get enough sleep, eat on the run at least once or twice a week, skip meals due to lack of time and do not have enough time to volunteer or take a course or prepare home cooked complete meals.   Are we using all of our time productively without wasting any of it?  I venture to say that most likely, we are not. Let us begin by being clear that being “productive” does not just mean working time.  Productive includes being pro active on your health, your relationships and your future.  If you do not take care of yourself, you cannot possibly take care of anyone or anything else.

Time management means exactly what it is called.  It is managing your time so that you have a sense of accomplishment, sleep restfully and eat healthy.   We always need to be moving forward whether it is in our relationships, our careers or our health.   We need down time and tools such as social media can be an outlet in the middle of a stressful day, however there is really very little that is social about social media.  We play games against images of “friends” that may or may not be their actual picture.  We post our status constantly as if anyone really wants to know what you are doing every minute of the day.  We lose track of time and time that, once gone, can never be gotten back.

When on various social media sites, put an egg timer or an alarm on so that you become aware of the time.  Do not allow yourself to reset it.  Make a list of at least three things to accomplish in the upcoming 24 hours and make sure you complete them, whether they are making appointments for the dentist,  registering for a course you want to take or meeting face to face (not online) an old friend.  Plan your time and think three steps ahead for everything.  For instance, plan meals so that you do not have to eat out, plan your wardrobe to make sure your clothes are ready and plan your errands so that you are not backtracking wasting both time and fuel.

Time is a precious commodity that, once gone, can never be gotten back.  We cannot rewind the clock, time travel nor even know how much time we actually have to accomplish what we want to.  When my mother was ill and elderly, I refused to acknowledge that time was running out.  I treated it as a never ending supply…until she died and time was gone.   Understand that time is an investment as much as our health, our bank accounts and our homes.  Treat it as a commodity too valuable to trade for anything less than the best.

For a coaching program to help you learn to manage your time and increase your productivity, contact Unleash the KNOW at info@unleashtheknow.com