FINDING PEACE IN YOUR LIFE

FINDING PEACE IN YOUR LIFE
As summer 2014 is now in the past and holiday seasons are upon us, for Jews, Christians and Muslims, we often find ourselves evaluating our lives and our success…and failures. What did I do right? What did I do wrong? Who do I owe apologies to and how can I create a better life for myself? We assess all of the things that have gone wrong and some of the most outstanding things that went well.
They say confession is good for the soul. Making apologies is an integral part of most or all 7 step programs. So here are my confessions and my apologies. Mostly though, these are the lessons I want to pass on for those who still have the opportunity to fix the wrongs before it is too late.
Within the past three years, I have lost three people who meant a great deal to me. They were my parents and an aunt. None of them were young. In fact they were age 92,95 and 101 years of age. I loved them all and they all taught me important lessons about life. They each gave me experiences that I now cherish and wish I had taken greater joy in those experiences. I never actually thought my parents would die. Logically, of course, I knew they would. I didn’t consciously recognize it though…their mortality and inevitable passing. I do not live in the same city as they did, but I was not so far that I could not have visited more often. I was always busy with my grown children, grandchildren, work, school, friends, relaxing…something. Always something. I promised myself they didn’t realize how far it was between visits and that they would be there for the next visit. I had not always had the best relationship with my parents and I also used that to justify my actions…or lack of actions. The days came though that they were not there anymore. My father died in December of 2011 and my mother died in March of 2013. My tears have not ended yet. I think it is unlikely that they ever will.
Mummy and Daddy…I owed you so much. I owed you more respect than I gave you. I owed you compassion and appreciation every day of your lives. I owed you the love I know you felt for me. I owed you time. If I could talk to you one more time, face to face, I would say thank you and I love you. I would say I am sorry for not hugging you enough and for not making you a bigger priority in my life. I miss you far more than I could ever imagine I would. It took losing you to understand fully this lesson in life and loss.
The last time I saw my mom, I did hold her hand as she slept. I even cried as I did so. Her skin was so soft and so was her hair. But when she woke up, I said my good bye and I left, promising to be back in a few weeks. A few weeks was too late. I wonder if she knew….
I hope that someone reading this will think about their own parents. He or she will call their mom and dad and say “I love you. I just want you to know that”. If I can save one person the heartache I feel, it will help me find inner peace. At least I hope it does. We each only have one mom and one dad. They may not always be the people we want them to be. But then again, we are not always the children (of any age) that they want us to be. Yet, somehow, in those mixed up relationships and tumultuous moments, they are closer to us than anyone will ever be except out own children. If they did the best they could to raise you, given what they knew at the time, given all of the circumstances they had to deal with, given the era they raised you, then please call them. We do not always know or understand what they went through in their lives. Maybe they hid some things from you to protect you. Perhaps some things were too painful for them to talk about. But they did the best they could…. Now, go see them. Hold their hand as you say thank you. Do not be afraid of looking silly. Do not live with the illusion that they will always be there. Life is fragile and we are not immortal. Make that call or visit and please let me know…

From your son,daughter, mother, father, brother, sister, cousin and friend

it is New Year’s Eve…December 31, 2013.  Whether you celebrate at a house party, club, restaurant or large event, please remember three important things.

Number three: Every day is a new day.  Looking backwards will only make you trip and fall.  Look forwards and keep your eye on the prize.  Life is an amazing and wonderful experience when you embrace it and have faith in it.  Grab every positive moment and event.  Experience all that it has to offer.  We all know how bad days, hard times and hurt feelings make us feel.  No one is immune to these experiences so do not let them control your life.  You are in charge, not those things.  Negative thoughts create negative events so keep your thoughts positive.

Number two: Do not let a day pass without telling those that you love, how you feel.  Life is crazy and chaotic.  Time passes without us realizing how fast, sometimes not until it is too late.  We are not guaranteed anything in life, especially not tomorrow.  We always assume that those we love will be there tomorrow, but we all run out of tomorrows eventually.  Pick up the phone, send an email or take the time and energy to write a handwritten letter.  No matter where in the world those loved ones are, let them know.  One of the worst feelings in the world is the feeling of regret for not saying it and getting that call to say it is too late.

Number one: This one I include on behalf of your son and daughter, your husband or wife, your mother and father, your cousin, neighbor and friend.  As you prepare to go out, leave your car at home.  Ensure that in your budget tonight, you have included money for a cab ride home.  If there are programs in your town or city which can get you and your car home safely, then use them.  Book a hotel room or take a bus.  There are so many options.  You may even opt to be a designated driver tonight.  For every one of you who make any of these safe choices, i send you my respect and my gratitude.  So do those who love you and who you love.  If every person makes the intelligent choice, New Year’s Eve will not become a nightmare for anyone.  Let it be new beginnings, not endings.  Be safe, have fun and make 2014 the year of mental and physical health.  Own your choices and make the smart ones.

For information on safe ways home tonight, in Ottawa check out http://www.ottawastart.com  Or call them if you are in another city to see if they have information on programs in your area.

If you think that you are always in control and this message is not for you, contact http://www.MADD.ca or http://www.MADD.org or http://www.tonyspromise.org   Read the stories.

I wish you a happy, safe and prosperous 2014.  UnLeash the KNOW will be bringing you exciting programs and information throughout the year so keep your eye on this page and pass it on.  Love you all.

New Year Resolutions

I hope that everyone enjoyed your Christmas holiday, are enjoying Kwanzaa or enjoyed Chanukah.  Whatever it is that you celebrate, we all have  a new year coming up in just days and with it, New Year Resolutions.  Either weight loss, regular gym attendance, more travel, more income, more joy or finding love are likely on your list.  On January 1, we are all motivated and enthusiastic and determined to succeed.  By February 1, most of these resolutions have been put on a shelf until later….whenever later may be.  Sometime during the year, perhaps on your birthday, perhaps  with a significant change in your circumstances, you think about it again.  So I ask you, what will you DO about it?  How will you make a plan to go back to those resolutions and make a change?  You need a plan.

Let’s begin with a change of vocabulary.  The pressure of New Year Resolutions can be overwhelming.  Do not aim to begin on January 1, 2014.  Begin the day you are reading this.  Everyday is the first day of the rest of your life.  It is a new beginning every time you wake up in the morning.  Prepare yourself to wake up tomorrow and begin with gratitude.  Tomorrow is day one of your Gratitude Plan.  This plan applies to men and women, young or old, fit or fat, wealthy or poor.  Your Gratitude Plan includes acknowledging all that is right and good in your life now, leaving all of “the stuff” from the past in the past and looking forward to the amazing things life is bringing you in the future.

We must all be aware that the most perfect life you see someone else living, is not perfect to them.  Every human being has stresses, worries, fears and pain, both physical and emotional, at times.  So keeping that in perspective,  jealousy and envy can be tossed out the window.  Even when you believe that you are, as a friend of mine says,  “so po that you cannot afford the second o or r” you have something to be grateful for.  A hot drink, sunshine, a hot shower or the clothes on your back.  This may sound very pie in the sky to you…I understand that.  Do yourself a favour though,  give it a try.  What do you have to lose after all?  Do it in the shower every morning.  As you feel the hot water hitting your body, close your eyes and feel the warmth and massaging effect of it.  Say thank you for it.  Having a coffee or tea when you get out?  Imagine it and say thank you again.  Do you have a nice thick towel to wrap yourself up in after the shower?  As you are still under the water, imagine the warmth and softness of the towel.  Does the soap smell good?  Be thankful as you absorb the positive things invading your senses.

By the end of day five, you will not have to search for things to be grateful for.  The list will keep you going after you have dried off and are getting dressed for your day.  Did you stub your toe or wake up late?  Do not let it take over your day.  Make your gratitude a ritual that nothing gets to take away.  You will see such a difference in how the rest of your day progresses that you will find yourself talking to others about it.  It will even negate any bad moments.  You will learn to recognize that they are indeed, only moments in time and are not a reflection of you, your day to come nor do they influence any other activities in your day.

What does this have to do with losing weight or finding love?  Set gratitudes for your body.  Add it to your routine.  When you are in your shower and feeling gratitude, visualize your body as you want it to be  Focus on it.  Feel it.  See it.  Okay….plan your food and exercise for the day with the picture of your new body in your mind.  With a little bit of discipline and focus, you will find yourself saying no to that extra serving of potatoes and saying yes to a walk around the block instead.  Getting into shape truly is a one day at a time and step by step process.  Be grateful for your body and your health.   See your healthy body and know that it is within you. This is a method which has simple to follow directions, easy to understand and puts virtually no stress on you.  You may even find yourself upping the ante sooner rather than later.  You will take a second look at biking in the good weather and getting out more and watching tv less.  Snacks will evolve into healthier choices.  What have you done?  You have created a gratitude frame of mind that leads to lifestyle changes.   The same applies to finding love.  How?

When you learn to recognize all of the good in your life, you will find yourself smiling more, glowing more and walking with more of a bounce in your step.  You will dress with more confidence too.  You will take that extra moment to add a little touch.   I personally make sure that I do not walk out the door in the morning with out earrings and perfume.  You will develop a more attractive and magnetic aura which will, in turn, attract more positive and more charismatic people around you.   Love will be attracted to you and you will be more open to seeing it when it is near you.

A Gratitude Plan is your new life, beginning on the new day.  It does not require  a new year and will not die over time.  It is simple, easy, user friendly and free.  Be grateful in anticipation of good things to come.  Feel those things now and acknowledge them now.   Too many people feel fear in anticipation of something bad potentially happening, even when the odds are they will not actually happen.  Practice anticipating good things instead and see the difference it makes.  Bad things might happen however they do not need to take over your life.  Leave the past where it belongs, under the lessons learned category.

For help with a Life Plan, taking your Gratitude Plan to the next level, contact andrea@unleashtheknow.com.  I will work with you to develop a program specific to you.  Life is to be lived.  Live your dreams, not your fears.

Teenagers….back when they were sooo cute….

“she is so cute…look at her pouting because she wants the toy.  come on…give it to her”  and that is how it begins.  Babies and small children are undeniably cute.  They are also so sweet and innocent that we cannot help ourselves in giving in.  Besides which, there are plenty of years ahead to say no….right?

Flash ahead about five years….Your six year old sees a toy she wants.  You are in a hurry and you just want to get through your errands.  You pass the toy and say no, but she knows that if she screams long enough and flails herself around in the shopping cart or on the floor, the toy is hers.  She is right, because you are in a hurry and do not have time to deal with the temper tantrum.  Besides which, she is a good girl and deserves it.

Push ahead another five years.,  Your sweet little girl is starting to go through puberty and you do not recognize her.  She is secretive and moody and responses from her in a conversation consists of yes, no and rolling eyes.  She has her moments when she wants to cuddle or talk, but coincidentally these happen most often around Christmas or when parties are coming up.  Those beautiful moments, when you see your little girl again, last as long as it takes to get something, unless a temper tantrum is called for…like in the store back when she was 6 and it will easier to give in, again.

Dare we flash ahead to 5 more years down the road?  Sixteen, a wonderful magical age of life explored, greater independence, impending womanhood and new bonds with Mom and maybe even Dad.  She is a delight to have around.  She values your opinion and confesses everything to you…right?  WAKE UP….LOL  it was a dream.  Ahhhh  Let’s see.  She must have the latest shoes, purses and other vital clothing items.  You collected posters and albums as a teenager.  She collects shoes and mani pedi appointments,  If you suggest she get a job to pay for those things, she may or may not comply.  Complying often will mean a few shifts a week, at minimum wage, needing a ride….or better yet, at her suggestion, you buy her a car now that she is 16 anyway.  Her paycheck buys her more shoes, more clothes and more meals out with friends.  You are happy because she is “independent” now. You continue to pay her cell phone bill, her school related costs and her other miscellaneous items.  She needs a new laptop and the most up to date smart phone,  She needs a dress for the prom that costs the same as the dress you wore at your wedding.  She needs her own flat screen tv and of course her own car.  You work harder, you work longer hours and you put more and more on credit, getting deeper and deeper in debt.  All of this, whether you recognize it or not, because you wanted to stave off temper tantrums from a one year old.

So what do you do about it without seeming like a grinch?  The key is to start early.  I was a single parent with three children and I did not have a car at the time.  This meant that going to the store or the mall was a major endeavour.  I was not going to start the process, just to leave without completing the tasks on the list.  I also could not handle kids with temper tantrums and several bags of groceries and get to the bus.  Buses were not as accommodating back then either..no seats designated for young children or pregnant women.  I cannot tell you the number of times I had to stand when pregnant or with a young baby in my arms while juggling the groceries and hands of the other children.  I tell you this so that you KNOW that i have been in very stressful situations in the store or mall.  What I did not do was give in.  I couldn’t afford to, even if I wanted to.

Talk to your children, even when they are babies.  Speak in full sentences with proper language.  EXplain that today you are going to buy groceries or clothes or housewares or whatever.  Explain that when you get home, you are going to prepare yummy meals and that there is only enough money for that.  That if the child is well behaved, he or she will get a treat such as a cookie or ice cream or something else equally enticing.  Keep saying thank you to the child or children for being so good.  Let them know that you are acknowledging it and appreciating it.  Let them help you with the groceries if they are big enough such as taking something off of the shelf or choosing a cereal.  Make them participants in the shopping process.  Keep the trip to the store as short as possible and do not do it at meal time or nap time.  Plan it well and it will save you time, energy and frustration.  As they get older, let them help you plan the meals and let them help prepare the meals.  Show them the lovely colours of the fruits and vegetables and find out where they are grown.  This will help to gain interest in healthy foods, including vegetables, but start this early too..  Every so often, make sure that you leave enough time to browse the toys.  Set a very reasonable price limit but allow them to buy a toy or colouring book or other treat.  When children understand that there are rewards and appreciation for good behaviour, they are far more likely to comply.  Even the best child will have bad days.  Do not allow that day to ruin all of your efforts.  When it is a bad day, try to leave the child with a babysitter or the other parent or wait until another day if possible.  If there are no options, let the child know that you know it is not a good day but you need to buy a few things and will make it as fast as possible.  Keep it truly as short a time as possible.  Keep talking to your child as calmly as possible but do not give in.  Remind them that you know it is not a good day but you appreciate their patience.  Do this even as you are biting your tongue or clenching your fists.  It is not easy but teaches your child two key lessons in life.  One is to keep calm even when angry.  Two is that they cannot have everything that they want when they want it.  Your child will learn to communicate with words and to appreciate rewards when they happen.

Do not get stuck in a trap.  While I refer to an imaginary daughter in this blog, it equally applies to sons, except they roll their eyes at you even better than daughters do.  Giving your child more than what you had has to be for a reason.  More educational opportunities…YES.  More variety of food and experiences which makes their world grow….YES.  More stuff?  No…they do not need it.  They need to earn STUFF so that they know the value behind it.  I had my first professional manicure and pedicure two months shy of my 53 rd birthday.  I took care of myself before that and since then.  It was a treat which a friend gave me and I appreciated it beyond words.  Your time and your energy are best invested when spent with your child.  Money to spare?  Set up an educational fund.  If you already have one, then good.  Take that money and put it into YOUR retirement funds.  Children need toys as part of the learning curve.  They need to have fun surprises for no reason whatsoever than simply because they are your children and you love them.   Just do not over indulge or think that you need to work more to buy those things.  If you cannot do it working your regular time, then fore go them.  Do something wonderful with the time instead, such as going to the park, going to a museum or baking cookies from scratch together.

Loving our children is our privilege, our obligation and our blessing.  Ensuring their needs are well taken care of is our legal and moral obligation.  Needs are food, shelter, clothing, healthcare, education and safety.  Cuddling and reading a book means far more and will remain in their memories much longer than the latest gadget.  Enjoy their childhood.  It goes quickly and those moments cannot be retrieved  once gone.  Teach them patience and love but also teach them that the real world is not going to fulfill all of their expectations.  That is a gift to them too.

For a program designed specifically to your family and your needs, contact UnLeash the KNOW.   http://www.unleashtheknow.com